a gentle reflection

For some reason I woke up today and have decided to reflect on my struggle with bipolar disorder, more specifically, the depression aspect of it. I sometimes get worried about writing or thinking too much about it in fear that it will somehow manifest itself again. I was watching a TEDtalk on it and apparently it's better to accept and in a way 'embrace' it rather than deny it, so I figured it would be interesting to jot some things down here. I have kept a journal(s) and have written about my experiences (albeit in a somewhat disorganized manner) and it would be interesting to have a more organized entry on what it is like.

I've had two episodes of really crippling depression. One lasted a year and the other lasted 6 months. All within I would say two years, which means I spent almost two years of my life utterly miserable. It's crazy to think about that now.

Alright lets give this a whirl.

I would describe it as a combination of death and paralyzing anxiety.

My sister once described me during one of these states as "you were there but you really weren't, it was like you were an empty shell of yourself". I would say that was pretty accurate.

I think that's a phrase that is often used to describe depression: an empty shell of ones self.

So how did it start?

I remember one day I just started waking up sad. Who WAKES UP sad? I mean come on! I mean it's not like I woke up and then dreaded the day as I was getting ready to work, etc. I shouldn't even describe it as sad because that doesn't do it justice. I mean the instant I opened my eyes from sleep I was filled with utter dread and despair. A sick feeling really. I felt sick. I felt like dying. Every day I woke up I felt sick. Sick, sick, sick.

I was so confused. I remember googling "waking of depressed", I researched and researched but didn't really find anything useful. And so I just dealt with it.

It honestly terrifies me that one day I will wake up and feel that way again.

I think this was the one symptom that made me realize that something was wrong. I felt the other symptoms were 'in my control' and that I was just too weak to overcome them. Too bad I didn't act on it sooner.

So what were the other symptoms?

Well like I said, I woke up and bang: INSTANT DEPRESSION! and unfortunately the feeling did not dissipate as the day went on. It stayed there, all day, all night and was there again when I woke up the next day. It became my black cloud and that's what it felt like, like something always hanging around.  This black cloud had another surprising feature... it was heavy! It must have been loaded with a ton of bricks because that's what it felt like. I was carrying this black, heavy, cloud backpack full of bricks, and it was weighing me down. I had this feeling of heaviness. I was slumped when I walked, I was slow, I described it once as feeling like an elderly person, I needed a cane, it felt crippling. My shoulders hurt, my neck hurt, everything hurt. I felt as I could just collapse at any moment.

I felt joy for nothing anymore. Honestly, I forgot what happiness felt like. That warm cup of coffee I would look forward to? No more. Relaxing and watching Seinfeld on my couch? Gone. Playing cards with my sis? Nope. Enjoying my job? Bye-bye. Laughing? Forget about it. Hanging out with the family. Meh. I'm running out of little catchphrases here, but I think you get the point. I was just so confused, why could I not enjoy anything anymore? It was very painful to feel no joy. It hurt. I know a lot of people describe depression as 'not feeling anything at all, like a void'. And I guess it felt like that after awhile. The pain of not feeling happiness just became nothingness. I didn't feel like I was living, I was just existing. I was a zombie. In a way I got used to not enjoying anything, not to say that made things easier, but I just stopped expecting to feel happy and I just kind of accepted that this was the way things were going to be for now on.

I always loved my job. I loved caring for my patients and interacting with them and just having fun! Yes, nursing is tough, but I enjoyed it immensely so it didn't even feel like a job. I enjoyed going to work! How many people can say that? When I was depressed these feeling went away. I showed up to work and that was it. I did my job and I did it well (in a technical aspect, at least) but the compassion was gone, I just wanted to go home. I hated it, I hated everyone. I started thinking I was in the wrong profession, maybe this really wasn't for me? Was I burnt out already? Could I not handle the stress? A co-worker brought me aside at one point and asked if things were ok and that I 'wasn't myself', I just shrugged it off and said I was fine. A few weeks later, my manager called me into her office and asked the same thing. At this point I wanted to cry, I didn't realize how obvious it was that I wasn't being me. I was able to shrug it off again and just said I had a headache and that things were ok.

Sleep. That's all I really wanted to do. I'd wake up and already want to go back to bed. All day I'd think about going to bed. As soon as I got home from work - bed. On my days off I'd go to sleep earlier and earlier each night. At one point I was in bed at 4pm and would stay in bed till morning. I wasn't enjoying anything so what was the point of staying awake?

I didn't even realize I was having anxiety until I googled it, feel like I need to put an 'lol' here. I remember going out to dinner with my family and being there but not really being there (like my sister said) but I was watching things from outside my body. I was watching things from above, I was detached. It was a weird feeling, kind of like floating. I couldn't engage in the conversation, I didn't even know what the heck everyone was talking about and what they were so happy about. Is this supposed to be enjoyable? I took my parents to my favorite restaurant by my apt. once and I tried SO hard to have a good time. I just sat there, wanting to cry and go to bed. Meh. As I write this I think, Ugh, this is so pathetic. I was afraid of everything. Afraid to go to work, afraid to wake up, afraid I would wind up in the hospital, afraid of feeling this way forever.

I would use alcohol a lot. Sigh. One time I drank away two days. That was scary. I drank all day, passed out, woke up and started drinking again until I passed out again and woke up the next day. Thank God this didn't happen again. I still drank but not in this way. I was drinking a lot. I'd just sit at home and drink. I'd buy beer from the gas station a few feet away and bring it home, drink it and if I needed more I'd just go to the 24 hour CVS across the street and buy more. I would go in there drunk all the time and buy beer. If I only knew what they thought of me.

My brain really betrayed me. It turned against me and told me I should die. Over and over again I would see the words flash before me: 'die, die, die'. A vision of me in a bathtub with a plugged in toaster or chopping my head and hands off (weird, right?) Thinking about jumping in front of that passing car or oncoming train became the usual thoughts I would have. I was not actively suicidal I just wanted to die... does that make sense? I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't really want to be around anymore either. I was tired. Everything was painful. I didn't even remember how I was before this all happened.

I felt I was to blame for all my problems. Why was I doing this to myself? I have a good job, good family, a good life! Why can't I just be happy? I would talk to myself, 'Jennifer, pull yourself together!' Come on, snap out of it', 'Get a grip'. I felt I was just making everything thing up in my head, that I was making myself feel this way. If I can make myself feel like this, I should be able to make myself feel happy again. I tried meditating. I did it every day. I tried to practice mindfulness. I took vitamins, I ate healthy, I went to the gym, I stopped drinking. Nothing worked.

let's make a toast.

Metal now,
But I've always been.

poof.

ruthless.