self reflection

what the fuck am i doing.

humph.

frustrated incorporated.

looking back.

it's amazing what a year can do.

ah ha.

You’ll do more damage holding on than you will letting go.

Say nothing.
That's enough for me.

yeah.

It's only fitting that it's raining right now.

fuck.

That secret that you know

But don't know how to tell

It fucks with your honor

And it teases your head 

But, you know that it's good, boy

'Cause its running you with red.

truth.

my farts smell.

now and always

do you ever feel just so disconnected from everything and everyone?

tell tale heart

why does it still beat
die already.

passenger

only know you've been high
when you're feeling low.

easier said then done

can't i just not give a fuck?
let's give it a go.

beam me up, scotty

can someone remove me from this planet.

People.

I do not understand people.

The things I do understand, I do not like.

Therefore, I will be reading a book.

Alone.

self interest

As Hobbes acknowledged, this account of human nature emphasizes our animal nature, leaving each of us to live independently of everyone else, acting only in his or her own self-interest, without regard for others. This produces what he called the "state of war," a way of life that is certain to prove "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short." (Leviathan I 13) The only escape is by entering into contracts with each other—mutually beneficial agreements to surrender our individual interests in order to achieve the advantages of security that only a social existence can provide.

my current feelings.

disillusioned.
misanthropic.

you were warned

I'm not a black hole. My heart is as open as a field of flowers. But if I sense you're trying to uproot my garden, I will throw up walls while you sleep and turn it into a maze. You won't escape until I've thoroughly confused you. Or something. Or maybe its more of a spider web. Looks like there's nothing there until you're already stuck. Then its too late.

I freaking hate metaphors.
;)

Checkmate.

nope.

you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out.

this is me.

Don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile
Shine on

hm.

I think, therefore I am.
I feel, therefore I suffer.

Fe vaca

Aaaaaaa tis what I needed.
Fe has shut down for now.
Must keep off for a while.

i sense a disturbance in the force

june has been a turbulent month.
this is apparent by the 26+ posts.
that's about 5x more than i usually post per month.

turbulent:
1. being in a state of agitation or tumult; disturbed
2. characterized by, or showing disturbance, disorder, etc.

gold

I habitually did the exact thing that so many of us people pleasers do:
In our own moments of suffering, we focus on the well-being of other people rather than ourselves.

morning thoughts

understanding is knowing that some things can't be understood.

- yours truly

that's just my battle scar

the bruises the you feel will heal.
and i hope you'll come around
'cause we're missing you.

- note to self

off.

heart > brain > depression

they are all connected.
cut it off from source.

lights off.

yes.

“Sometimes, she found the mystery of other people almost unbearable to contemplate: rooms within rooms inside of each of them, an endless labyrinth of contradictory qualities, memories, desires, mirroring one another like an Escher drawing, baffling as a conundrum.”

duplication?

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

Not sure if I posted this already, regardless, it deserves to be posted again. 

and so it continues

"My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world."

Hence, me blogging to myself on this website. Te he he.

fuck it

• The simplest way to be content with yourself is not to achieve greatness and praise, but to accept yourself fully for who you are now.
• The quickest route to happiness is to stop caring about finding happiness and to start being happiness.

budda budda

When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, 'Oh yes - I already have everything that I really need.'

Dalai Lama

if you start to go astray.

You can love without having a sense of awe towards the object of love, you can have an interest without being lost of the interest – when you can do this it would mean that you have a balance between love and power, in yourself. To be lost to love is weakness, and it is delusional, and it does bring forth an eventual crash. True balance is when you can be attached and detached at the same time, it’s not a paradox, it’s just the natural state of being when you have an inner balance – you are not powerless to your attachment and you are not powerlessly trying to detach either, you don’t detach from a place of fear but you can detach at will when needed and you don’t get into the emotionally-leeching experience of smothering someone/something with your attachment. To be lost to love can be a beautiful experience until it starts revealing the degrading effects of your powerlessness. In a state of balance you will lose the innocence, and spark, of blind love but you will have the wisdom to attract stable relationships which are not draining to your functionality as a being – this includes relationship with your work/expression, with your sensitivity, with your mind, with people, or life in general.

i'm there.

Inner freedom in its true sense is a freedom to exist without being “influenced” into instability by any force. You cannot become free of the dark and light nature aspects of living, but you can become free from becoming “unstable” under their influence. You can feel anything, and you can think anything, without getting lost to its influence, always having a space of freedom that allows you to remain stable and objective.

allowing

The attitude of true allowing is when you stop caring about the end-result of finding relief, or finding anything extra-ordinary, when you stop wanting an escape, when you can allow yourself to be fully in the presence of pain/discomfort without needing a cop-out, when you can stop asking for peace and are willing to allow agitation in its fullness, when you can stop seeking assurance and can be fully allowing of uncertainty (the fear of it) – and if you really understood this attitude you would never say “I tried, but I am not getting it”, because your attitude would be to allow even this aspect of “not getting it”. It takes a connection with inner-power to allow anything to “be” without cringing to its influence, and even if you cringe you can allow that without getting identified with this reaction.

my words

broken thoughts of a broken mind
can only be repaired by the hands of time

mumble jumble tumble

laugh about your brain.
you are just so utterly silly jennifer.
there's a cartwheeling monster doing gymnastics.
think of that :)
flying fish sticks.
with butterfly wings.

my brain should be whispering jokes. funny, funny jokes.
or silly ones that make you giggle to yourself.
that would be nice.

sleep is good escape for my brain.
it's a shame i can't rest.

brain laughter

It’s a privilege to be loved by you.
Your emotional slutty days are effectively over.

why?

do i torture myself.
do i get so affected by others.
where is my forcefield?

new

less emotions.
more logic.
look from above.
not from within.

poof

and then i'm gone.

ernest hemingway

the best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable: they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.

how long is forever?

sometimes, just one second.

deconstruct

jennifer,

you are so brave and quiet, i forget that you are suffering.

with love,
jennifer

abstract. metaphysical.

4am rant

you know i just want you to play my heart like a guitar
make it, make music
want to hear it sing, it's been too long
since i've heard a song.

i don't really care that you're so far away
just melt me with your voice
feels nice to feel something
if it doesn't last, that's ok.
just say you'll stay today.

i'm just typing these words
that run through my jumbled brain.
make me feel pain
just tired of feeling so cold, numb.
this is so dumb.

can i sit next to you and watch your hands dance on the keys
i know i could fall in love
watching you play, i could watch you every day

and then i could kiss your cheek and rub your feet
make you dinner for you to eat!
breakfast in the day, would that be ok?

what a silly lady i can be,
wanting someone i can't even see.

but flighty you make me feel
i want you to make me tachycardic
give me hypertension
unstable my vital signs, baby.

yeah, i know you want to undress me
that's ok, i guess. but maybe you could undress my heart too.
that's what i'm really looking for you to do.

it's ok if you break it, i have plenty of glue.
what does it really matter to you?

yeah, break it, smash it into little pieces
i like puzzles anyway.
will give me something to do,
with my heart split in two.

that wisp of feelings that come and go
such a tease
god, i want to feeeeel.
but when the pain comes, i'll want it to go away.

grasping at the air,
floating feelings up there
bring them back down
put them back in my heart
lock it up.

fist through chest, grab it out
cradle it like a baby in your arms

I’m not asking for you to love me too
Just make me fall in love with you.

yes. serenade me with your voice.
sing me things i will over analyze in my head
trying to find meaning in nothingness.

yeah, that's what i do best
pick things apart and leave the rest
see what i want, not what i need.

true words

it's exhausting being me.

lightbulb!

The general way of communicating for the INFJ is by using allusions, pictures, symbols and analogies.

hot in here.

Hell is empty. And all the devils are here.

purr.

la douleaur exquise.

fury.

learn latin
learn chess
learn piano

logophile.

yawn.

why do i write here? no one reads this.
i read it.
lolzzzzz.

me.

infj. empath, hsp, 2w1 5w6 9w1

thug

represent your shit motherfucker.

more stuff. fuck fuck. fuck.

1. INFJs get frustrated when they make an attempt to connect with someone and the person fails to share their enthusiasm.

INFJs can read people extremely well, so when they make an attempt to connect with someone on a deeper level or discuss something that means a lot to them, they can instantly tell when the other person isn’t on the same wavelength as them. This leads them to wonder why they even bothered at all and makes them more hesitant to reveal other things about themselves in the future.

7. They can get too in their head about things.

INFJs can be intense people. One of their flaws is over thinking things that are much simpler than they make them out to be or over analyzing situations before they proceed.

10. INFJs struggle with bouts of depression.

As creative types, INFJs can struggle with depression during moments of artistic blocks or when they don’t feel like the work they’ve produced is good enough. Other times they deal with periods of sadness when they’re feeling particularly lonely or misunderstood (as mentioned previously). Their feelings about their artistic work and inability to feel understood can affect their relationships if their bout of depression lasts long.

11. The inner world of an INFJ is so much more than what you see on the outside but it takes time for them to reveal that side to others.

INFJs have an innate ability to develop rich inner worlds they can retreat to when the outside world becomes too much. Their inner-self closely mimics the personality of an ENFP – energetic, fearless, outgoing. It’s not that they have a problem bringing these two sides of themselves together to be a thoughtful, witty, outgoing person in social settings, but it usually isn’t until they feel comfortable with people to really show their true personality.

12. INFJs can be easily disappointed.

They are highly idealistic and are always dreaming up some new big idea, not only for themselves, but to share with their partner and loved ones. The problem comes when they forget to maintain a level of realism and find their ideas blowing up in their face. The easiest way to deal with this is for their partner to help keep them grounded during their bouts of d a y d r e a m i n g.

HARDY HARR HARR. fuck.

ufo

i feel so alone sometimes.

infj

Though we are able to understand another deeply, we 

yearn to meet someone who can 

understand the workings of our inside 

world. 

But understanding us is a whole new issue, only people who take the effort to get through the many layers of us knows us. We know you, and will let only a few into us. We cherish everyone, but only people who understand how deep and complex we are appreciates us.

As planners with a deep and complex inner world, we strives to turn our fantasies into realities. Our plans seldom revolves around logic, and its no wonder that people would label us as being unrealistic. 

edm

say hello to the robot.

what have i become

full of broken thoughts. i cannot repair.
beneath the stains of time. the feelings disappear.

oh bother.

i don't care if i get hurt i just want to feel.

baa

Don't let the sun go down on your grievances
Respect love of the heart over lust of the flesh
Do yourself a favor: become your own savior
And don't let the sun go down on your grievances

And when you wake up in the morning
You'll have a brand new feeling
And you'll find yourself healing
So don't let the sun go down on your grievances

Sometimes you might want to give up
But keep that chin up
Cause you're gonna find
You're gonna find
Sometimes you might be alone
But don't feel lonely
'Cause you're gonna find
You're gonna find
So don't let the sun go down on your grievances

Start each day with a clean slate
You'll feel better if you can shake off all that hate
And don't forget to forgive and forget
And don't let the sun go down on your grievances

tehehe

these players come to get me because they like my behind.

life.

fucked without a kiss, again.

to answer the post two below.

so then you asked yourselves... isn't there something more to life?

well let me clue you in on something... there isn't.

heaven send hell away.

times are gone for honest man
sometimes far too long for snakes.

?

isn't there more.

autumn

so i fell in love once.

so look what you did to me.

look what you did to me.

i'm a leaf that's gone 

f

 a

  l

   l

    i

     n

      g 

free.

Yeah.

Her heart is broken.
But she won't say that.
Her heart is broken.
But she can't go back.

And I wonder what she's running from
If it'll catch her

j.m.

people are strange, when you're a stranger.
faces are ugly, when you're alone.

meow.

better yourself.

Lesson #8  You long for a deep and meaningful job, relationship and friendship, but become easily let down …

… You realize that true happiness and fulfillment can only come from within.  Seeking for external happiness in the form of idealistic interpersonal connections, jobs and so forth, will only create disappointment and unhappiness.

Lesson #9  You are a visionary and highly idealistic person …

… You realize that while idealism can motivate you and guide you, it can also be limiting and psychologically unhealthy.  Practicality must be balanced with impracticality in order to build an equalized person.