hm.

I think, therefore I am.
I feel, therefore I suffer.

Fe vaca

Aaaaaaa tis what I needed.
Fe has shut down for now.
Must keep off for a while.

i sense a disturbance in the force

june has been a turbulent month.
this is apparent by the 26+ posts.
that's about 5x more than i usually post per month.

turbulent:
1. being in a state of agitation or tumult; disturbed
2. characterized by, or showing disturbance, disorder, etc.

gold

I habitually did the exact thing that so many of us people pleasers do:
In our own moments of suffering, we focus on the well-being of other people rather than ourselves.

morning thoughts

understanding is knowing that some things can't be understood.

- yours truly

that's just my battle scar

the bruises the you feel will heal.
and i hope you'll come around
'cause we're missing you.

- note to self

off.

heart > brain > depression

they are all connected.
cut it off from source.

lights off.

yes.

“Sometimes, she found the mystery of other people almost unbearable to contemplate: rooms within rooms inside of each of them, an endless labyrinth of contradictory qualities, memories, desires, mirroring one another like an Escher drawing, baffling as a conundrum.”

duplication?

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

Not sure if I posted this already, regardless, it deserves to be posted again. 

and so it continues

"My feelings are too loud for words and too shy for the world."

Hence, me blogging to myself on this website. Te he he.

fuck it

• The simplest way to be content with yourself is not to achieve greatness and praise, but to accept yourself fully for who you are now.
• The quickest route to happiness is to stop caring about finding happiness and to start being happiness.

budda budda

When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, 'Oh yes - I already have everything that I really need.'

Dalai Lama

if you start to go astray.

You can love without having a sense of awe towards the object of love, you can have an interest without being lost of the interest – when you can do this it would mean that you have a balance between love and power, in yourself. To be lost to love is weakness, and it is delusional, and it does bring forth an eventual crash. True balance is when you can be attached and detached at the same time, it’s not a paradox, it’s just the natural state of being when you have an inner balance – you are not powerless to your attachment and you are not powerlessly trying to detach either, you don’t detach from a place of fear but you can detach at will when needed and you don’t get into the emotionally-leeching experience of smothering someone/something with your attachment. To be lost to love can be a beautiful experience until it starts revealing the degrading effects of your powerlessness. In a state of balance you will lose the innocence, and spark, of blind love but you will have the wisdom to attract stable relationships which are not draining to your functionality as a being – this includes relationship with your work/expression, with your sensitivity, with your mind, with people, or life in general.

i'm there.

Inner freedom in its true sense is a freedom to exist without being “influenced” into instability by any force. You cannot become free of the dark and light nature aspects of living, but you can become free from becoming “unstable” under their influence. You can feel anything, and you can think anything, without getting lost to its influence, always having a space of freedom that allows you to remain stable and objective.

allowing

The attitude of true allowing is when you stop caring about the end-result of finding relief, or finding anything extra-ordinary, when you stop wanting an escape, when you can allow yourself to be fully in the presence of pain/discomfort without needing a cop-out, when you can stop asking for peace and are willing to allow agitation in its fullness, when you can stop seeking assurance and can be fully allowing of uncertainty (the fear of it) – and if you really understood this attitude you would never say “I tried, but I am not getting it”, because your attitude would be to allow even this aspect of “not getting it”. It takes a connection with inner-power to allow anything to “be” without cringing to its influence, and even if you cringe you can allow that without getting identified with this reaction.

my words

broken thoughts of a broken mind
can only be repaired by the hands of time

mumble jumble tumble

laugh about your brain.
you are just so utterly silly jennifer.
there's a cartwheeling monster doing gymnastics.
think of that :)
flying fish sticks.
with butterfly wings.

my brain should be whispering jokes. funny, funny jokes.
or silly ones that make you giggle to yourself.
that would be nice.

sleep is good escape for my brain.
it's a shame i can't rest.

brain laughter

It’s a privilege to be loved by you.
Your emotional slutty days are effectively over.

why?

do i torture myself.
do i get so affected by others.
where is my forcefield?

new

less emotions.
more logic.
look from above.
not from within.

poof

and then i'm gone.

ernest hemingway

the best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable: they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.

how long is forever?

sometimes, just one second.

deconstruct

jennifer,

you are so brave and quiet, i forget that you are suffering.

with love,
jennifer

abstract. metaphysical.

4am rant

you know i just want you to play my heart like a guitar
make it, make music
want to hear it sing, it's been too long
since i've heard a song.

i don't really care that you're so far away
just melt me with your voice
feels nice to feel something
if it doesn't last, that's ok.
just say you'll stay today.

i'm just typing these words
that run through my jumbled brain.
make me feel pain
just tired of feeling so cold, numb.
this is so dumb.

can i sit next to you and watch your hands dance on the keys
i know i could fall in love
watching you play, i could watch you every day

and then i could kiss your cheek and rub your feet
make you dinner for you to eat!
breakfast in the day, would that be ok?

what a silly lady i can be,
wanting someone i can't even see.

but flighty you make me feel
i want you to make me tachycardic
give me hypertension
unstable my vital signs, baby.

yeah, i know you want to undress me
that's ok, i guess. but maybe you could undress my heart too.
that's what i'm really looking for you to do.

it's ok if you break it, i have plenty of glue.
what does it really matter to you?

yeah, break it, smash it into little pieces
i like puzzles anyway.
will give me something to do,
with my heart split in two.

that wisp of feelings that come and go
such a tease
god, i want to feeeeel.
but when the pain comes, i'll want it to go away.

grasping at the air,
floating feelings up there
bring them back down
put them back in my heart
lock it up.

fist through chest, grab it out
cradle it like a baby in your arms

I’m not asking for you to love me too
Just make me fall in love with you.

yes. serenade me with your voice.
sing me things i will over analyze in my head
trying to find meaning in nothingness.

yeah, that's what i do best
pick things apart and leave the rest
see what i want, not what i need.

true words

it's exhausting being me.

lightbulb!

The general way of communicating for the INFJ is by using allusions, pictures, symbols and analogies.

hot in here.

Hell is empty. And all the devils are here.

purr.

la douleaur exquise.